[razmablues]

My friend writes a lot of songs/poetry using this character "Jacqueline" to front alot of what he is feeling and what not. Couple days ago he asked me if i wanted to work with some lyrics so he sent me it, i edited up and bit and here it is. I was going to add a bridge somewhere, but what i had in mind really didn't feel right in the song. constructive criticism is much appreciated!

i like the dead reference he stuck in there too

p.s. the chords aren't lining up with lyrics right

D A
When will you return?
E A
Can you cheer up, i'll never learn
D Bm
Can I call you on the Phone?
E A
I'll let you know you're not alone

D A
Jacqueline
F#m D E
where have you been?
A F#m
Late at night You can hear her cry
D E A
From the rooftops


Can you stand to wait?
The clock is ticking, it's getting late
nothin' feels alright
oh, nothin' feels alright

Jacqueline
where have you been?
Late at night You can hear her cry
From the rooftops

I often wonder where you are
Floating away on a distant sky
And I can still fucking feel your vibes
Everyone thinks i am feeding them lies

Jacqueline,
where have you been?
Late at night You can hear her cry
From the rooftops

Will we ever sing those tunes
When we were dancing to the faithful moon
anyone who sings a tune so sweet
is only passing by, i will repeat

Jacqueline, where have you been?
Late at night You can hear her cry
From the rooftops

[LazyLightnin]

i like it. i was once in love with a Jacqueline for a few years, so it rings home

[CaptainTrips]

too many chorus's (the Jacqueline bit)

Other than that its pretty good.

[big_river_bum]

i don't mean to be... well mean, but i don't really like it. it seems like something i would write in high school when my girlfriend and i had problems. almost like it could be a 'dashboard confessional' song(if anyone doesn't get that reference just check out youtube)it just seems childish

i do enjoy the chord progression

[Benthegoodbum]

I'd say take out fucking and it would be good.

[Shooster]

I really appreciate someone putting their work out there to the anonymous masses, but you're leaving it out there for lots of very harsh criticism.

TO me, the songs rhyming words and lyrical content seem hackneyed.

[strumminsix]

I'd enjoy it as a poem better than a song.

Seems rather emo to me.

I'd say use metaphors and remove names to make it song.

[Oscillation]

I really appreciate someone putting their work out there to the anonymous masses, but you're leaving it out there for lots of very harsh criticism.

TO me, the songs rhyming words and lyrical content seem hackneyed.

i have to agree...

[razmablues]

ahah no this is good, it's a trial and error process.

1) the "fucking" should be taken out, i agree with that

2) it's not really about a girl, it's about discontent with life, and just dropping it all and dissapearing

3) yea the chord progressions aren't too original, but i'm no virtuoso here, just trying to mess around with some simple songs

[spacehead333]

it does seem high schoolish, but you know what it works

[Shaggy]

Reading the first line sort of turned me off right away and it doesn't get much better. The swearing part only confirms the adolescent manner of the writing.

[Shaggy]

ahah no this is good, it's a trial and error process.

1) the "fucking" should be taken out, i agree with that

2) it's not really about a girl, it's about discontent with life, and just dropping it all and dissapearing

3) yea the chord progressions aren't too original, but i'm no virtuoso here, just trying to mess around with some simple songs

May I suggest you give Richmond Fontaine a listen. Willy Vlautin is turning into one of the great modern lyric writers by way of mood setting and story style songs. He's also written a book not long out.

[High Peaks]

That sounds like it could be an Elvis Costello song.

[Crazy 9.5 Fingers]

I think the lyrics do the job. I think sometimes people get too caught up in what the story is, and "how clever can I be with this line", or "what kind of visuals does this line evoke" when you can always look at it as "hey, sometimes people just like to sing a simple song with a catchy hook". And for that, I think with the right music the song could be pretty dang good.

Think of the Cars songs, you can go ten years without hearing them but when they come on the radio, you can sing along. And I think that is a good thing. You don't have to write like Bob Dylan to make people feel good with your music.

Even better, you don't have to write like Bob Dylan to woo women.

[Django]

I'm with Crazy fingers, the lyrics do the job. The important thing is to get this song written however less then perfect it is. Get one under your belt and write another one.