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 #31371  by bschreil
 Thu Nov 29, 2007 8:09 am
Reflections of General Jesus Christ
by Balazs Schreil, M.A.

General Jesus Christ was steadfastly standing at the helm...waiting for coffee break to be over. The boat was swaying in the waves, Jesus prayed and the winds calmed down; then, his first mate, who he loved some much and so often, Judas, came onto the bridge. How's it going you Son of a [censored], Judas exclaimed, and took the hand of almighty [censored] onto his lapel. The winds picked up again, and General Jesus Christ almost fell over. "Judas, this just isn't working", he said. "My father is angry, and I know not where I go unless its sunset."

[The author stopped writing, and went to defecate, upon sitting, the author opened the dictionary, and the first word that came to his eyes was "harbor". It actually happened!]

Jesus spat out the coffee. Meanwhile, somewhere in Kansas, Preacher Childlove was sharpening his cross. He was surely sure that, all the homosexuality in San Francisco would bring nuclear holocaust to Los Angeles via Iran, one of these days. There are no fags in Iran, after all.

Preacher Childlove (actually, a CIA agent) was in charge of further socially engineering the already socially engineered. Just last week, he received a message that Jesus Christ was, well...seen at a boat christening. Shiber me timbers, and save my planks.

In San Francisco, the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence <http> were preparing for morning [censored].

The protests were being planned for August 22nd. Preacher Childlove was going to show these fags, and so were the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.

Jesus sat in his cabin, and played with his laptop. He Googled "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" and printed the pictures that were returned as the image search results. Judas was steaming at the helm. He hadn't seen The Son of Man in three days, and Judas was getting hornier by the minute.

Jesus felt trapped. The cabin was small, and smelled of fish. Plus, he kinda missed Judas; but the relationship had to end. Every time he thought of Judas' cum dripping face, he felt, well, out of balance. Plus, the beards proved to be a major problem on such occasions. But, he and Judas went way back; although John The Baptist had told both of them years ago that, relationships were tenuous at best. Maybe, just maybe, Jesus could have a girlfriend instead. Mary Magdalene has been kinda giving him the eye. Maybe, who knows, he had never had heterosexual sex. But how did Judas and Jesus first meet; well, let's not get into that. He knew, he just knew that, if he thought about it long enough he would [censored]. At this point, Jesus started to cry, and stayed in his cabin instead, he just couldn't face Judas...not yet. The shit had hit the fan between him and Judas, Jesus didn't want to anymore, Judas grabbed General Jesus Christ's ass. Jesus twisted Judas' wrist and pushed him away. Judas got teary eyed, then he got pissed, but calmly walked away. After that, Jesus did not want to meet him at the helm.

After five days in his cabin, Jesus had to really take a shit. So he emerged from his cabin, just to find a weighted down net drop from the ceiling and cover his entire body. Jesus was trapped. Judas laughed, and quickly dragged Jesus to his cabin. The box had been assembled, the FedEx Ground label had been printed, and within seconds Jesus' body was nailed coffin shut, and ready for shipping.

Jesus defecated, and the box started to really smell. Judas, walked to his closet, and opened the secret compartment. He took out all of his evil symbols, and lit black candles as he chanted to Satan.

An hour later, amidst a wicked storm that appeared out of nowhere, Judas was standing steadfastly at the helm. The hurricane force winds blew from one direction, and within a day and a half, Judas sailed into San Francisco Bay.

Seventy-three men sailed up
From the San Francisco Bay,
Rolled off of their ship
And here's what they had to say.
"We're callin' everyone to ride along
To another shore,
We can laugh our lives away
and be free once more."
But no one heard them callin',
No one came at all,
'Cause they were too busy watchin'
Those old raindrops fall.
As a storm was blowin'
Out on the peaceful sea,
Seventy-three men sailed off
To history.
Ride, captain ride
Upon your mystery ship,
Be amazed at the friends
You have here on your trip.
Ride captain ride
Upon your mystery ship,
On your way to a world
That others might have missed.

Seventy-three men sailed up
From the San Francisco Bay,
Got off their ship
And here's what they had to say.
"We're callin' everyone to ride along
To another shore,
We can laugh our lives away
And be free once more."
Ride, captain ride
Upon your mystery ship,
Be amazed at the friends
You have here on your trip.
Ride, captain ride
Upon your mystery ship,
On your way to a world
That others might have missed.
Ride, captain ride
Upon your mystery ship,
Be amazed at the friends
You have here on your trip.
- The Blues Image

Judas guided the boat to Pier 45. FedEx Ground was already waiting at the docks, and within a half of an hour, Jesus found himself in an S&M torture chamber within the catacombs underneath Chinatown.

The cross was prepared. Jesus was tied to the beams, Judas walked in and sucked Jesus' dick...[censored]. The words: "we all agree that FedEx Ground is fast" echoed through his membrane. Jesus was really, really trapped. He focused, and focused, and focused. An hour later, Jesus was smoking a joint on The Haight: "FUCK IT!".

The words: "I know not where I go, The Father leads me." echoed through Jesus' membrane. The Northern California bud was kicking in, and Jesus strated to aimlessly explore the city.

Meanwhile, Preacher Childlove and his clan disembarked the airplane at San Francisco Airport. Southwest sucked, but it was cheap. With peanuts in pocket, Childlove lead his group to Alamo, and rented three large vans. He was going to show these San Francisco faggots, and he smirked. When it came down to it, he loved the city...[censored].

The vans drove to a cheap motel on the outskirts of Oakland. And Preacher Childlove let his plans be known to his disicples. Within hours, large signs were made. The vans drove to Civic Center Plaza, and the protest began. An hour later, the Sisters of Perpetual Self Indulgence entered Civic Center Plaza. The bitches were screaming.

A five year old boy German boy sat with his parents in Civic Center Plaza. The trip to America had been great (especially Yosemite, from where they had driven in, just yesterday). And, San Francisco was exceptional, but with all the yelling and screaming between the two protests he felt scared, and wanted to leave.

Jesus, stoned out of his mind, aimlessly wandered into Civic Center Plaza. There were sure a lot of people here, and boy, were they screaming. Jesus focused, projected his chi, but this time, it had no apparent effect on the protesters...minutes went by. Jesus disregarded the crowd and noticed a circle of brothers and sisters playing hacky-sack. "Isn't this the same game I started to play in Thailand", he loudly exclaimed, and a huge smile appeared on Jesus Christ's face. He approached the circle, and he played for hours. Somewhere during that time, someone dropped him a tab. At three in the morning, Jesus was overlooking the bay, the Moon glistened off of the water, and Jesus just sat, he meditated, and he prayed. He thought of Buddha, he thought of Mohamed, he thought of Shiva, he thought of Ganesh; he thought of the North American Aboriginal People whom he would meet on the continent, and he was definitely going to visit the Oglala Lakota, he wanted to meet Pezsi Vasde of the Kimini Laska family. And, when it came down to it, he didn't much care for Custer.

He contemplated the relationship between possibility and impossibility as represented by Yin and Yang, and he realized (again, but from a novel perspective) that, all things were possible, even impossibility itself. Eventually the Sun "rose", but the Moon had not yet receded. Jesus was coming down from the best trip of his life, and he started to sing.

Sittin in the morning sun,
I`ll be sittin' when the evening come,
Watching the ships roll in,
And I'll watch 'em roll away again, yeah,
I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay,
Watching the tide roll away, ouh,
I'm just sittin' on the dock of the bay,
Wasting time.

I left my home in Georgia,
Headed for the Frisco bay
I have nothing to live for,
Look like nothings gonna come my way,

So I'm just go sit on the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away,
I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay,
Wasting time

Look like nothings gonna change,
Everything still remain the same,
I can't do what ten people tell me to do,
So I guess I'll remain the same, yes,

Sittin' here resting my bones,
And this loneliness won't leave me alone, yes,
Two thousand miles I roam
Just to make this dock my home

Now I'm just go sit at the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away, ooh
Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wasting time
- Otis Redding

Meanwhile, a thirteen year old in Minnesota took his first bongload, and thought of his first girlfriend. His grandfather thought about life...[uncensored].


 #31409  by jackr
 Thu Nov 29, 2007 12:57 pm
I had patience enough to get through ony one sentence of that post.

 #31412  by gratephulphish123
 Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:06 pm
i had enough patience to read it and... what the fuck man? i'm not a devout christian or anything but thats pretty offensive, jesus made up or not is a pretty cool guy and depicting him in disgusting sexual acts is...

:mad: not a proper note to come in on

 #31414  by bodiddley
 Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:08 pm
Who ever posted that is a royal douchebag.

 #31419  by strumminsix
 Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:17 pm
Locking this thread. It's offensive and has nothing to do with anything this site is about.

To the OP - hit me up via PM if your intentions have been mistaken.

Other mods/admins if you feel it best to take other action be my guest.