part of a song ive written

part of a song ive written

Postby Candyman421 » Sun Nov 25, 2007 7:45 pm

i just wrote some lyrics to a song give me some feedback,good bad, or horrible

its a simple bluegrass song ive wrote some words too, they'r pretty weak and i dont know where to go with it, first time ive really tried writing

G
headin down to memphis late in june
C ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;G
im up the river headed back to you
C;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;G;;;;Em
headin down to memphis late in june
G;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;D;;;;;G
just looking for that girl i love

her eyes were as green as the trees
her lips were as red as a rose
her eyes were asd green as the trees
oh lord, her smiles what ripped right through me

thought i had a girl i could trust
thought she loved me sweet and true
thought i had a girl i could trust
but she was lookin right at you

i thought i had a friend i could trust
thought i had a buddy till the end
thought i had a friend i could trust
but she was lookin right at him

mental block::


thats it, ill try to post a link of me playin it so you can get a better idea
"The flame from your stage has now spread to the floor"
Candyman421
Wavy Gravy
Wavy Gravy
 
Posts: 100
Joined: Thu Jan 18, 2007 6:20 pm

Postby Rev_Roach » Sun Nov 25, 2007 8:12 pm

I don't know if you intended, but its quite reminiscent of GDTRFB. The chord progression is identical, except in G instead of E. It's lyrically pretty similar as well, since it begins "headin down" and the first and third lines of each verse are the same.

Obviously chord progressions are repeated all the time. I'm not trying to say its bad that you're song resembles anotherr, but you should be conscious of the similarity and try to make rhythmic and lyrical distinctions.
Rev_Roach
One More Saturday Night
One More Saturday Night
 
Posts: 410
Joined: Tue Oct 10, 2006 9:16 am
Location: Long Island, NY

Postby GratefulPat » Sun Nov 25, 2007 8:20 pm

ya i noticed that as well.
Comes a time, when the blind man takes your hand and says "dont you see?"
User avatar
GratefulPat
Senior Member
 
Posts: 572
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2007 7:18 pm
Location: milwaukee, wi

Postby Candyman421 » Sun Nov 25, 2007 8:38 pm

i see the resemblence of the chord progression definitely, i wrote the words while i was strumming those chords, lyrically i agree it sounds like an old traditional very repetetive, definitely will keep workin on it
thanks for the feedback
"The flame from your stage has now spread to the floor"
Candyman421
Wavy Gravy
Wavy Gravy
 
Posts: 100
Joined: Thu Jan 18, 2007 6:20 pm

Postby IamDocWatson » Sun Nov 25, 2007 10:33 pm

i would suggest you add in some passing chords.....and dont listen to gdtrfb for like a month then come back to this...

add more chords to enforce a new melody cuz you dont want to completely copy and old song...just take a piece from it
"Octaves full of voices, sweet voices belie"
IamDocWatson
Phil
Phil
 
Posts: 308
Joined: Thu Apr 05, 2007 10:31 pm

Postby strumminsix » Sun Nov 25, 2007 10:36 pm

LOL, why not say what GDTRFB sounds like?

No offense c-man, but it's standard folk.

It is was it is and it's not like GDTRFB was original.

I dig it! Do it! Get the right feel behind it.
User avatar
strumminsix
Senior Member
 
Posts: 6647
Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2005 8:13 am
Location: Chicago

Postby G'Dad » Mon Nov 26, 2007 10:55 am

Candyman

just seems an odd rhyme at the end of verse 2.

Could you use 'soul' in there to go with rose?


If its your first, or even if its not keep at it man.

Practice makes perfect;;; good luck
G'Dad
Keith
Keith
 
Posts: 62
Joined: Sun Dec 10, 2006 8:53 am
Location: Nottinghamshire, England

Postby bobbybobbob » Mon Nov 26, 2007 11:14 am

who cares about GDTRFB?

MAKE IT YOUR OWN!! keep on going man!
bobbybobbob
Pigpen
Pigpen
 
Posts: 140
Joined: Wed Sep 20, 2006 5:44 am

Postby Shaggy » Mon Nov 26, 2007 1:40 pm

Don't worry about how it looks as a set of words on a piece of paper. It's about how it's projected in the song, it's all about feel. You can make anything fit if the surroundings are right.

Good luck.
Shaggy
Senior Member
 
Posts: 612
Joined: Sat Oct 29, 2005 10:46 am

Postby strumminsix » Mon Nov 26, 2007 2:08 pm

Okay, poetic suggestions:

Verses 2 and 3 use the same theme = trust.
Try using the word "true" instead:

Original:
Code: Select all
i thought i had a friend i could trust
thought i had a buddy till the end
thought i had a friend i could trust
but she was lookin right at him


Alternative #1:
Code: Select all
i thought i had a friend who was true
thought i had a buddy till the end
thought i had a friend who was true
but she was lookin right at him



-----------------

Overall I'd make the first verse the chorus.
Insert it between all the other verses.

Then change the last line in the last verse to second person for dramatic effect:

Alternative #2:
Code: Select all
i thought i had a friend who was true
thought i had a buddy till the end
thought i had a friend who was true
but she was lookin right at you



It may change the song too much but if you did that it would be complete and have the dramatic twist that many 60s folk songs had.
User avatar
strumminsix
Senior Member
 
Posts: 6647
Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2005 8:13 am
Location: Chicago

Postby Candyman421 » Mon Nov 26, 2007 4:30 pm

I like that idea of making the first verse the chorus
thats great idea, i should do that, thanks a lot, i guess i didnt realize when i wrote that i used trust so many times, i definately need to change that word in one of them, but i would like to go in the direction of story with this, where the woman is unfaithful, and the friend untrue so naturally i have to kill them both ( i know kinda creepy just an idea ive been fuckin with), something about headin back upstream home, after killing my best friend and my girlfriend, i dont know yet,

thanks for the comments, and suggestions
"The flame from your stage has now spread to the floor"
Candyman421
Wavy Gravy
Wavy Gravy
 
Posts: 100
Joined: Thu Jan 18, 2007 6:20 pm

Postby strumminsix » Mon Nov 26, 2007 6:07 pm

Glad to help! BTW, I can think of another ending...

The friend sleeps with her and immediately tells you.

But you are totally fine with it cuz you found out she was a liar and at least your buddy got laid!
User avatar
strumminsix
Senior Member
 
Posts: 6647
Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2005 8:13 am
Location: Chicago

Postby Candyman421 » Mon Nov 26, 2007 8:24 pm

well here is the the very skeletal version of the song, this is the first take and i cant sing that good so be gentle, no fuck it let me know if its horendous


http://www.myspace.com/candyman421
"The flame from your stage has now spread to the floor"
Candyman421
Wavy Gravy
Wavy Gravy
 
Posts: 100
Joined: Thu Jan 18, 2007 6:20 pm

Postby bobbybobbob » Mon Nov 26, 2007 8:27 pm

Candyman421 wrote:I like that idea of making the first verse the chorus
thats great idea, i should do that, thanks a lot, i guess i didnt realize when i wrote that i used trust so many times, i definately need to change that word in one of them, but i would like to go in the direction of story with this, where the woman is unfaithful, and the friend untrue so naturally i have to kill them both ( i know kinda creepy just an idea ive been fuckin with), something about headin back upstream home, after killing my best friend and my girlfriend, i dont know yet,

thanks for the comments, and suggestions




Hmmmm.. That storyline is identical to Jackie Greene's song "About Cell Block #9." Check out the lyrics.


Code: Select all
Well I used to be an angel
i guess my wings got torn
for I ain't seen nothing but bad luck and trouble
ever since that i've been born
ever since that i've been born

I used to have a best friend
and a girl for to be my bride
i had everything that a man could want
i believed i was satisfied
i bleieved i was satisfied

but as i came home one evening
the moon was hanging high
i felt something wrong, something must be going on and a black cat passed me by
a black cat passed me by

so i peeked on through my keyhole
now tell me what did i see?
i saw my gal and my best friend
in a bed that belonged to me
a bed that belonged to me

so i went and grabbed my shotgun
you know how the story goes
gonna find me on a chain, digging ditches in the rain and i'll be wearing them county clothes
wearing them county clothes

yes the jury found me guilty
i heard that gavel sound
and the only friend who would have thrown my bail
was six feet underground
six feet underground

oh Lord i'm feeling lowdown
got nothing to call mine
gonna spend my days, wasting all away
in cell block #9
cell block #9
bobbybobbob
Pigpen
Pigpen
 
Posts: 140
Joined: Wed Sep 20, 2006 5:44 am

Postby Candyman421 » Mon Nov 26, 2007 8:40 pm

though unfamiliar with jackie greenes music, the similarities are obvious, i also thought before that it was kind of similar to long black veil in a way, however if your implying that i ripped him off, the story isnt that outrageously original in itself, that idea was one that i had thought about but had not put any lyrics to, it was just a thought of what direction the song could go, it is in no way complete and this is my first time trying to write a song, so bare with me, but thanks for the feedback bob
"The flame from your stage has now spread to the floor"
Candyman421
Wavy Gravy
Wavy Gravy
 
Posts: 100
Joined: Thu Jan 18, 2007 6:20 pm

Next

Return to The Think Tank

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests