I've been absent for almost 2 months, and some people are aware of the reasons. Now I'm going to let everyone else no why and hopefully someone will have some words of advice or encouragement to see me through.
I joined Rukind in 2008, at that time I had 9 months of sobriety from alcohol. I was feeling good in my recovery and wanted to reconnect with the music and get back to playing music. I started out doing sound and occasionally filling in with a band that I had help start the previous year. I was able maintain my sobriety for a while but I began to get resentful, I didn't see why I couldn't have a good time like everyone else. So I fell off the wagon, I kept my slips hidden from almost everyone around me. Over time, my resolve deteriorated even further and I began to drink publicly. Last year, my alcoholism was full blown and I was on a real bender.
Over the past year, my addiction has cost me a lot. In the past 6 months, I have lost nearly every opportunity to play music. None of the friends I've jammed with want to have me around any more, they're afraid of how I get when I'm drinking. I have played or listened to the Dead or anything related in the past 3 months. I just haven't felt the same about the music, I'm afraid to go to any local gigs, since all of them are at bars and that a place that I just can't afford to be right now. I'm sure when I have more time, I'll be able to so without any fear or hesitation. I just feel that right now, it would be like walking back into the lion's den and I know that I will lose if I do that.
I've also grown to be very resentful, so much so, I can't even log into Rukind or Facebook because all I see are painful reminders of a past I wish to leave behind. I want to leave that past behind, but not my love of the music or playing. It's gotten so bad lately, I'm contemplating selling all my gear and giving up on ever playing again.
I had two chances "of a lifetime" to jam with TC this year. One that I accepted and that opportunity was taken away when the promoter canceled all the headlining acts. Secretly I was glad, I knew I was in no shape to do that gig or face the challenge of going to festival and white knucking it. The 2nd opportunity, I declined. And my higher power, who must be a prankster at heart, gave me a sign that I made the right choice. Right about the time that I would have been playing, I was leaving a meeting. I got in my car and started it up, what was on the radio but Playin' In The Band! At first I was pissed, because I felt resentment over the fact that I was where I was. Eventually I laughed, because I wasn't where I wanted to be, I was where I NEEDED TO BE.
Where I needed to be was a meetings, every night. If not at a meeting, talking with my sponsor. If not talking with my sponsor, reading the Big Book or 12&12. My sponsor doesn't have any definite answer to this dilemma, the Big Book says I shouldn't need to run away from away from these situations if I have a legitimate reasons for being there.
So my question is this... Does and one have any experience in reconnecting with the music without giving into temptation? Any success stories you could share with me so I don't feel like I'm going at this part of my recovery alone. All I wanted to do was put down the drink, but I'm feeling like I have to give up the music too in order to survive. If you don't want to share publicly, you can always PM me.